Powerful Benders
by Lost In A Dark Wood
Summary: A series of crack oneshots based around Aunt Wu’s fortune. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but mostly you'll squirm. Katara x Everyone And Their Uncle.
1. war's end

**Powerful Benders**  
**Summary**: A series of crack one-shots based around Aunt Wu's fortune. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but mostly you'll squirm. Katara/Everyone-And-Their-Uncle.

**Rating: **T, mainly for language.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm also not really what you would call sane.

_One  
War's End  
_

Just like that, the war was over. Thousands of soldiers returned to their wives and mothers. Omashu was freed, the Southern Water Tribe rebuilt; it was a happy time. Or it would have been if the whole damn thing hadn't been so incredibly anticlimactic. Oh, the last battle had started out interesting enough: two monumental armies met on the field, prepared to take no prisoners. This was the battle to end all battles. Before the day was out the rivers would run red. Every last person on that field was prepared to die.

And then, it happened. Ozai chanced to turn his head for a second and then he saw _her_ in the opposing army. The Fire Lord had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. Only seconds remained before the battle would begin, and Ozai rode to the front as quickly as his komodo-horse allowed, crushing a few of his soldiers below the lizard's gallops. He would have been crushed underneath a boulder, save for the fact that then Azula would have seized control of the army and no one wanted that. Then, he asked for a truce. This took everyone by surprise, because it pretty much looked like he was going to win, what with Sozin's Comet and all. Perplexed, the other leaders humored him. Hours of deliberations and one annulment later the war was over and Katara was engaged. (Aang as the group's youngest member had been sent to go get them snacks before the final vote was taken.)

Katara almost killed Pakku when he informed her that she was to marry Ozai, but that only made him love her more. Zuko was outraged when he found out that his father wanted to replace his mother with another woman, not to mention the fact that the  
Banished Prince was more than slightly attracted to Katara. But any protests that Zuko made were at once quelled when his father welcomed him back with open arms and promised to put Zuko back in line for the throne if he would teach him all the current cool lingo and how to impress this new generation of ladies.

Iroh too tried to intervene on Miss Katara's behalf, partially because he was jealous of all the time Zuko was now spending with his father. But Zuko, in no hurry to find himself exiled again reasoned with his Uncle by giving him an endless supply of emo glares.

Sokka, who had originally been the biggest opponent of his darling sister's marriage was swiftly won over to the Fire Lord's side when he realized that as a newly married man, the Fire Lord's many concubines would be up for grabs (this fact also played no small part in convincing Iroh).

So it came to happen that Katara lost all her allies, except of course for the young Avatar to the wiles and wealth of Fire Lord Ozai. Aang protested that he was the Avatar, and the fate of the world rested in his hands, and that therefore they should retake the vote, this time allowing him to actually, you know, cast a vote. What Aang hadn't realized was that his one vote wouldn't be enough to swing the election. Dejectedly, he confronted Katara with news of his failure, but he told her to never fear, for he had a plan: in the dead of night they would run away and elope. Thus confronted with those options, Katara reevaluated her situation and came to the conclusion that Ozai couldn't really be all that bad if he'd put all that effort into learning all that awful slang Zuko was teaching him (by the way, what the hell was an "Amdrag"?)

And so, everyone lived happily ever after, except of course for Aang, who crawled into a ditch with every intention of dying there, but found that the ditch was already occupied by Azula who had beaten him to the punch. And so Aang and Azula went to go get counseling together, and if they didn't exactly live happily ever after, it was close enough.

**Author's Notes: **Ok, so how lame is this? Tell me in your **reviews**.

Who should I do next? (NB: I will do neither Kataang nor Zutara...)


	2. teabending

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm also not really what you would call sane.

**Author's Notes: **As you might know my main project for the summer is _Blood, Silk, and Steel_, which is completely different from the other things I've been working on lately. It's turning out to be very long, and consistently dark. I thought I'd break away from the angst of _BSS_ with a short little piece, which is what you have before you now.

In retrospect, I probably had _WAY_ too much fun writing this. (Oddly enough, I had even more fun proof-reading it.) Hopefully you'll enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

_Two  
Teabending_

Zuko hated his life. Well gee now, that was a new one—not. Had he been alive in our here and now, Zuko wouldn't have gone goth, because he was far too much of a straight arrow for that. The kind of people who spend years combing the globe in search of the Avatar to please their father weren't the kind of people who dressed in black leather trench coats and got piercings all over their bodies. So Zuko wouldn't have been goth, besides, that was more Mai's subculture, but he would have quite possibly turned emo.

Especially after his uncle's wedding.

It wasn't that his uncle didn't deserve to be happy; of all the people on the face of this earth, Iroh most deserved happiness. It was just that, when it was a choice between Zuko's happiness and Iroh's, well, Iroh normally picked Zuko's happiness (Zuko also normally picked Zuko's happiness, after all, being happy made his uncle happy, right?) But this time had been different, and it had all started with tea.

Zuko had always hated tea. Deep down inside he must have known that it would be tea in the end which would ensure his lifelong misery, and he hated tea for it. He hated all sorts of teas. If it had leaves and water, he hated it. That had been the one point on which his uncle had never allowed him to have the last word, because his uncle loved, but seriously, absolutely _adored_ tea, and he had gotten it into his head that Zuko should love tea too, because that would make him happy.

But no, tea was Zuko's mortal enemy.

And all it was dried leaves and water. 

Water.

That was the evil part in it: the water. Because, it turned out, that if tea was made out of water, then a certain Waterbender could bend it, which in short, made her a Teabender, and well, Uncle Iroh just had to love her. It couldn't be helped, he said, she could bend tea, _tea!_

Zuko had thought it was a moderately neat parlor trick when Katara had bent the tea he'd spilled on himself off of his clothes and back into a cup. Later, he had realized that she had been trying to flirt with him, but by then it was too late. Iroh had seen what she could do, and he was in love.

So it had started. It started with tales of his adventured in the Spirit World. The Avatar had loved those. And then, it had moved on to tales about his life in the Fire Nation. After those were done, it was long moonlit walks. Several long walks, some flowers, and more tea than Zuko cared for later, Iroh announced to Zuko that he was getting a new aunt.

That was gross enough. After all, his uncle was like, sixty years old. In teenage years that was like, a gazillion and one, or not. At any rate, he was far too old to get married. But then, he found out to _whom_ his uncle was getting married, and well, that was just absolutely disgusting.

In retrospect, he really should have put two and two together long before his uncle told him, but the idea of Katara and his uncle together hurt his mind. Katara was younger than Azula, and that meant that she was young enough to be Iroh's daughter. Heck, she could probably have been his granddaughter. And besides, Zuko kinda liked her, and the idea of fantasizing about the woman to whom his uncle was married, well, there were no words for describing how disturbing that was.

But, like with tea, Iroh decided to listen to all of Zuko's emo considerations, and then politely ignored him, while serving him a steaming cup of jasmine tea.

Anyway, the way things turned out, they won the war and Iroh was placed on the throne of the Fire Nation. Iroh got married to Katara and they went on to have seven children, each one evidence of the fact that they were still going at it like rabbits, and each one taking both Zuko and Azula farther and farther away from the throne. And so, Zuko got very depressed, and decided he'd rather travel the globe in search of the Avatar than stick around the palace and see his ancient uncle make out with the girl he used to have a crush on. Aang, who was perhaps the only person to find out about Katara's engagement to Iroh after Zuko did, asked Zuko if he could join him on his quest, because, heck, he'd rather travel the world looking for the Avatar than stick around and watch his surrogate mother/the love of his life make out with the Fire Lord, but Zuko pointed out that he couldn't very well set out searching for the Avatar with the Avatar on his ship, because that would be one very short game of hide-and-seek. So Azula, who had lost all hope of ever getting the throne, told Aang she'd hang out with him, and make sure Zuko never found him, because, well, ruining Zuzu's life was the only thing left for her.

Somewhere along the way Azula and Aang got very drunk and when they woke up the next morning they were married, but since Zuko arrived in the city before they had time to get it annulled, they never bothered. Instead they decided to call it quits and return to the Fire Nation, but of course, they didn't tell Zuko, because then he would have captured them and brought them back to the Fire Nation.

And so, they all lived happily ever after.

Well, not Zuko; he spent the rest of his days pretending to be a banished prince and looking for the Avatar. But it gave him an opportunity to be emo, and he kinda liked that, so I guess in the end, it turned out ok, even for him.

**Author's Notes:** I think I lost a few brain cells writing that. How 'bout you guys? Not too formulaic I hope. _Tell me in your _**reviews. :) **


	3. best man

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I'm also not really what you would call sane.

**Author's Notes: **_The Headband_ was funny. I produced this cack/crap. _The Headband_ was also very sad. Angst will be forthcoming. But first, the funnies.

_Three_

_Best Man_

Aang had survived the extermination of the Air Nomads. He had survived countless encounters with then-Prince Zuko. He had survived the Siege of the North Pole. He had survived several encounters with Azula. He had survived the fall of the Earth Kingdom's capital. Hell—he'd even survived the final encounter with Fire Lord Ozai. And, now, as he sat picking out dress robes for the wedding, he had to wonder: "All that, for _this_?"

You shouldn't misunderstand. He was happy for Bumi, sure. After all, Bumi was his friend, and so, _of course_ he wanted Bumi to be happy. And Spirits knew that after 112 years or so, Bumi deserved happiness. And, well, the fact that anyone might want to marry Bumi, especially a pretty young girl, after 112 years, well, that was a miracle, and not likely to repeat itself. So yeah, Aang was happy for Bumi. And sure, he was honored to be the best man, after all, how many people went around asking him to be their best man. Well, ok, so a lot, because he was the _Avatar_ for friggin' crying out loud, and then there was that crazy guy from Kyoshi, but he was another story entirely…

So yes, Aang was happy for Bumi, and he was honored that Bumi wanted him to be his best man. But, well, couldn't Bumi find himself another beautiful waterbender to be his wife?

Great, now he sounded petty. He realized he was being selfish, and dear Spirits, Gyatso would have been ashamed, but… well, to hell with it! He should be allowed to be selfish for once in his life. After all, the whole friggin' world owed its continued survival to him, and geeze, if it hadn't been for him, Bumi would still be rotting away in that prison Mai's father built. And Katara? She'd be stuck in the South Pole, living under Fire Nation tyranny…

Oh, Katara. Aang could cry. Somehow, he'd always imagined that she would marry him, and then that together they could repopulate the Air Nomads with all of their beautiful babies. He even had names for them, like Zutara… Ok, that had been Zuko's suggestion, but hey, it sounded nice…

Suddenly a cold voice pulled him out of his reverie. "You know, I'd go with the green one."

Without even realizing who was speaking Aang answered in exasperation: "They're all green!"

"Yes, an inferior color. But they don't seem to have any red."

Aang turned around. "Azula!" he spat out with as much venom as he could muster in his voice. Admittedly however, that wasn't very much… he was too depressed. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'm the official envoy from the Fire Nation. The marriage of the King of Omashu (pity the name change didn't stick) is something that deserves the attention of a member of the royal house."

"Why didn't Zuko come?" Aang asked.

Azula shrugged. "I dunno. Zuzu said something about Zutara sinking and Bumtara not really being his ship." It didn't really make much sense to Aang, but rather than admit it he simply nodded his head wisely. "Anyway," Azula continued, "I needed an alibi, and I suppose this will do just as well."

Aang didn't bother to ask her just _why_ she needed an alibi. If he had he probably would have had to go save the world all over again, and if he had to go be the best man at Katara's wedding, well, hell, he deserved a vacation from all his other Avatar duties.

"In any event, it occurs to me that you, being the Avatar would make the best alibi. You will therefore be my escort to the wedding, do you understand."

Sure, that would make Katara jealous, and then she'd call the whole thing off, and well, then they'd get married and have all their Zutara babies, even if Zuko's Zutara whatever had sunk. Yes, yes, it made perfect sense. Or at least, it had made perfect sense at the time.

It stopped making sense the day after the wedding, when he awoke with a hangover to learn that not only had his ingenious plan to make Katara regret her unholy union with Bumi had failed, but also that Zuko somehow was dead and Azula was the new Fire Lord. But, at least, even if she had gotten what she always wanted, namely to kill her brother and steal his crown without being caught, Azula didn't get away with it scot-free.

Asking the Avatar to be her alibi had seemed like a good idea at the time. It turned out to not be the greatest idea in the world when she woke up with a hangover the day after King Bumi's wedding to find out that not only was Zuzu dead and his crown hers by right, but that somehow, she'd managed to get herself hitched so now she had to share her power with the Avatar.

But anyway, after the initial display of displeased lighting, which wasn't very effective, largely due to the pounding in her head, Azula realized that having the Avatar as her consort could have its advantages, and Aang realized that if he divorced Azula it'd be some sort of international scandal that he, as the Avatar would have to fix, and he was tired of fixing the world.

So, in the end everyone lived pretty happily ever after. Except for Zuko. He didn't really do much living afterwards, but hey, after all he'd put Uncle through, he kind of deserved it, so that too was ok.

**Author's Notes: **Ok, so it isn't as good as the last one, but hopefully it's still funny. If you laughed, let me know. If you didn't laugh, let me know. I am in no way, shape, or form responsible for any brain damage that this may cause.


	4. Katara's Crazy Plan

Disclaimer: I was not in my right state of mind. Also, I don't own Avatar. Rejoice.

Warnings: Massive breaking of the fourth wall and weirdness. I'm too tired to physically register how tired I am, so I wrote this instead of going to bed.

Four

Katara's Crazy Plan

Now, in retrospect, Aang had to admit that Sokka was right. Of course, Sokka was usually right about those things. After all, Sokka was the practical one. Really, Aang couldn't understand why he hadn't realized this before. Instead he had gone along with Katara's crazy plan, and now… well, I'm getting ahead of myself. You, dearest reader who will, without a doubt leave me a review once you've finished reading this unless you're so turned off by this combination supplication/breaking-of-the-fourth-wall to continue reading, may be wondering what exactly had been Katara's crazy plan, why Sokka had objected to it, and what had come of it. 

- - -

Perhaps, it is important to state that Toph had agreed with Sokka.

"I have to say Sugar Queen that that is without a doubt the dumbest idea I've ever heard, and I've been traveling with Sokka."

Sokka for once was glad to just have Toph's support in the fact that this was a Very Bad Idea. "Thank you Toph. See Katara, I'm not the only one who thinks this is a stupid plan."

Unfortunately for his ego, Toph continued: "Yeah who would ever want to date Sokka?" (Toph didn't want to date Sokka. No she did not. Not at all. No siree. Of all the things in the world that Toph wanted to do, Sokka was not among them. Wait, that didn't come out right…)

Sokka came to the defense of his ego: "I'll let you know Toph that a good number of very pretty girls have wanted to date me."

"Exactly!" Katara interrupted. "Don't you see Sokka, you're really popular with the ladies, and clearly she has trouble with approaching guys—

"Yeah. Maybe because she's a psychotic demon bitch." Aang flinched at the strength of Sokka's words, but given the rather large hole in his back, he couldn't say that he disagreed.

Katara crossed her arms. "But think of the good you could do the world," she implored.

"No. No. No. I do the world good by coming up with good ideas and making sure you kids don't get yourself killed. I do not do the world good by attempting to seduce sexually frustrated megalomaniacs who could fry me to a crisp in a second."

Katara looked upset. Aang didn't like it when Katara was upset. It made her less pretty. So he came to her defense. Because maybe if he did she might smile. Or, realize that he was good and noble and true and fall desperately in love with him and go repopulate the Air Nomads with him. A smile would be good too, though. "Oh come on Sokka, there are lot's of redeeming qualities to her."

Sokka was not amused. "Oh, really, like what?"  
Aang couldn't think of any. "Um… She's not horribly deformed."

"Right, of course!" Sokka replied sarcastically. "I'll march up to her, tell her she's not horribly deformed and then we'll go live happily ever after."

"You're being unreasonable Sokka. She's got to be the most beautiful girl we've met on our travels; she's cool, collected, intelligent. Not only that but she's strong and powerful, and probably insanely rich. Her bending is fantastic. Come on, if her sex is anything like her bending…"

That was too much for Sokka. He almost gagged. "Ok Katara, you know what? If Azula is so friggin' great why don't you date her?"

Aang now was furious. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

But suddenly a strange look entered Katara's eyes. It was a look of soft realization. It was the beginning of the end.

- - -

Now the war was over. From the way people were carrying on, you'd think there had never been a war. Here he was, guest of honor in Fire Lord Ozai's Palace at the wedding of Princess Azula to Katara. It wasn't fair. How come Azula, certifiable psychotic bitch get to marry beautiful, kind Katara while, he, Aang, the Avatar—hope of the nations, had to sit next to a very drunk Prince Zuko.

"Yer know Avataaaar," Zuko slurred, "if this weren't so frikkin' hilarious, I'd be kinda ussed."

Aang turned angrily to look at Zuko. "What do you have to be upset about?"

Zuko blinked. "Katara's one hot babe. Hell. Azula's one hot babe. Dasss two hot babes taken off the market." Then he started giggling. "Bud I guess this means Daddy has to make me Fire Lord now." Aang sighed. "Wass wrong, Avatar?"

"Katara's one hot babe."

Zuko blinked. Then he started to laugh. "So waddaya gonna do?"

Aang shrugged. "Well normally in these stories I end up with Azula."

Zuko laughed some more. "Wanna make out?"  
Aang looked at the Prince confusedly. "No, not really."

"Good. I diddin wanna really. Besides according to the spoiler forums there's like a good reason why we shouldn't hook up. An' iss not like I couldn't get a hotter piece of—

Zuko passed out at that point. And then, Aang was truly alone.

A/N: Is this crap? If it is, please flame this so I can take it down. Don't flame because you don't like the pairing though. It's supposed to be a joke.


	5. pick up lines

**Author's Note 1: **I started this about two months go. Including Author's Note 2. Which brings me to:

**Author's Note 2:** This one is kinda dirty… My brain is FRIED!!!

Also, I'm completely disregarding canon. Yay me?

_Five_

_Pickup Lines_

Anyone who thought that benders, by definition, got all the chicks, _clearly_ had never met Pakku, Aang, or, Pakku thought with a dark and dour look, _Sokka. _The talentless buffoon somehow managed to attract all the girls. Seriously. Pakku didn't understand how a silly, skinny little boy who had been stuck on a desolate chunk of ice in the middle of _nowhere_, a skinny little boy whose idea of a funny joke was a meat-related _pun_, a skinny little boy who couldn't even _bend_ was able to garner so much feminine attention. He had noticed it the first time when the boy had met with Princess Yue. "An activity at some place, for some time." _That_ heartbreaking work of staggering genius had been the boy's idea of a _pickup line_, and it had _worked_. And not on just any girl, but on a _princess_.

How?

How was it possible that that lame line worked? Especially when Pakku had so many great, great (dude, I'm telling you, really great) lines, and none of them ever got him the girl?

Lines like:

"I may not be an earthbender, but I'll make your bed rock!"

or,

"You must be a naughty firebender, how else would your ass be on fire?"

or,

"There aren't any airbenders left, but I guess you're just the next best thing, 'cuz you just blew me away!"

And none of them had ever, _ever_ worked. Pakku just didn't understand it.

"An activity at some place, for some time."

Seriously….

"An activity at some place, for some time."

What the fuck spirits? Where was the justice in the world? And then, without any effort, without so much as a pickup line, Sokka had garnered the attention of _so __**many**__**attractive**__**YOUNG**_ women. There was that girl, Suki, who wore enough make-up to look like a whore. And Toph, who was blind, and so could probably do some amazing things with her hands. And then, Ty Lee… Ty Lee… Who was Fire Nation, and H-O-T!

Somewhere along the grapeline, Pakku had even heard that Princess Azula had the hots for Sokka. Lucky bastard. Princess Azula was allegedly the world's most beautiful woman. Of course, she was also a psychotic bitch, so in a way, Pakku understood why she might be attracted to the silly non-bending buffoon and his bad meat-puns. But the other girls, they seemed normal enough. Well. Ty Lee was a bit loopy. That was certain. The girl did believe in auras after all, so maybe that explained why she believed Sokka was attractive. And that Toph girl _was_ blind, so, maybe that explained that too. But Suki—well, other than the makeup, Pakku couldn't find anything particularly wrong with Suki.

She wasn't evil. She wasn't blind. She wasn't loopy.

Nope. She was a smart no-nonsense girl who almost reminded Pakku of Kanna.

Oh.

Kanna.

_Oh!_

_Kanna!_

Kanna had never liked his pickup lines. It was really very tragic. It was the reason he was old and alone now. Or, really, just the reason he was alone. (Not, mind you, because no one else seemed to appreciate his pickup lines).

He loved Kanna. Loved her _so much_. Loved her bright blue eyes, long silky dark hair, smooth tan skin, and succulent curves. And now he was going to see her again. It was going to be his second chance.

He was so excited

- - -

But first…

Oh spirits help him!

But first he was going to…

It was almost too terrible to contemplate. But, unfortunately it had to be done; he was going to swallow his pride and ask the _buffoon_ for advice.

"You want me to help you pick up chicks?" The buffoon had asked.

He had nodded slowly. Oh how the mighty had fallen.

"Well, you have come to the right guy my man, welcome to Sokka's School for Playerbenders!" the buffoon cried out, overly excited.

Pakku rolled his eyes and had to do his best to suppress a groan. The boy was an idiot.

"No, I'm not an idiot," the buffoo—"Hey, stop that!"

Pakku was rather confused. Maybe the boy had lost the one marble he had ever had.

"No, I haven't lost any marbles, and I'll let you know that I not only invented the hot air balloon, but masterminded the way to destroy Fire Lord Ozai's dirigible armada."

"Are you reading my thoughts?" Pakku asked.

"No, I'm just reading the fanfic. I'm being abused and I protest!" At which, Lost in a Dark Wood apologized to Sokka and told him that she was sorry, but that this was a crackfic, where it was absolutely essential to break the fourth wall, and well, she was really stressed out about applications and the economy, and she spent so much time writing about the Ozymandias Sokka that it was time for the putz Sokka to show up. Sokka then insisted on having a little "chat" with Lost in the Dark Wood over her

(mis)treatment of him in her other fanfics, leaving Pakku alone to angst about not getting any tail in well over sixty years.

Finally Sokka came back. Pakku began to explain his problem, but Sokka cut him off. "Yeah, yeah, sucky pick-up lines based on bending, can't get girls, you want to get into my Gran-Gran's skirt, except that later you'll realize she's old and ugly and that you'd be better off with Katara, so you'll trick Aang, and then you'll hook up with my sister. The author's brought me up to speed on everything.

"Ok, here's your problem. Pick up lines… they NEVER work. Especially not bad creepy ones like the one's you've been using all these years. Women like a man who can make them laugh. Throw a couple of stupid jokes around. But not sexual ones, because that's just creepy and says that you've only got one thing on the brain.

"Women also want someone who can be strong, but understanding. Tough, but caring. Show off some of your master waterbending, but then give her a flower, or something, you know, show her you _care_."

No pick-up lines? This sounded highly suspect to Pakku.

"Oh, and one more thing, women love a guy they can change. Take Zuko for instance. He's got a _ton_ of fangirls. You know why? Because they see him, all angsty and frowny, and they think to themselves, you know, I can change him. I can take this poor, scarred little mama's boy, and turn him into the most badass prince charming ever.

"So, pretend that they can change you. You know, when I first met Suki, I was all sexist, and now, thanks to her, I'm totally not sexist at all, and wow, you know, that's really hot to all women everywhere in the world."

With that, Sokka patted Pakku on the back and went off into the sunset. None of what Sokka had made any sense. Especially that bit about not wanting to end up with Kanna. He loved Kanna. Loved her _so much_. Loved her bright blue eyes, long silky dark hair, smooth tan skin, and succulent curves. Nothing in the world could make him love her any less. Nothing at all.

Except, he found later, her face.

Ugh! Her _face_!

Oh spirits!!!! What had happened to the woman? Pakku understood aging! Really, he did. After all, Pakku had aged. He was old now. He was bald. But, he was a pretty hot old, bald guy. Kanna! Urg! She had so many wrinkles! Soooo many wrinkles! Her skin had changed color, fading like her hair, and her chin had even changed shape. Her soft pointed chin had become boxy and man-like. How was that even possible: he couldn't wrap his mind around it. And the idea of Kanna naked, certain parts dragging down to the floor! Glerg! It made him want to run away screaming.

He was so terrified that he forgot to use any of his pick-up lines. He couldn't even think about himself, all he could concentrate on was her. So he listened to what she had to say, because at least it distracted him from looking at her. He nodded and asked questions as appropriate, and a week later, he was accosted by the woman,

"Oh Pakku, how you've changed!" she exclaimed as she hugged him. Pakku tried to keep from gagging. "You've kept your strong side, but now you're sensitive too, and you're not nearly as sexist as you used to be! And not a single one of those vulgar conceited pick-up lines!"

"Yes, and I owe all of that change to an amazing young woman," he answered, breaking free from Kanna's grasp. "And I've just realized," he explained, that I should go to her."

Maybe Sokka wasn't an idiot. His method seemed to work perfectly, and now, the idea of trying to hook up with Katara instead was looking like a really good one. There was just one problem. Katara was the Avatar's girl. But that was ok. He could deal with the Avatar. He didn't know how to deal with women, but he did know how to deal with men. That's how he'd become a member of the White Lotus…

Pakku cackled maniacally as he plotted.

- - -

In the end, it was quite easy.

"Ah, how lovely it is to be in love!" he told the young Avatar.

"Yeah," Aang replied with a dreamy look.

"And you've got something that'll last forever."

"Yeah…" the Avatar's eyes basically _sparkled_.

"That's great. I mean, it's great that even when she's old and ugly and fat you'll still be in love with her."

"Yea—wait, what do you mean, ugly and fat?"

"I mean, you have seen her Gran-Gran. One day Katara will look just like that. And I mean, it's great."

"What's so great about Katara looking like her grandmother?"

"Oh, that you love her so much that you'll still be willing to tap that when she's old and flabby and saggy."

Aang's face turned slightly green, and Pakku knew that he'd hit home. Just for good measure he planted a few more key images in the Avatar's brain which no amount of brain bleach would ever be able to get out.

Two weeks later, when the Avatar broke up with Katara, Pakku was there, fully armed with Sokka's Certified Playerbending Method™, to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart.

Too late, Aang realized he'd been duped. And by realized he'd been duped, I mean to say that Sokka told him so.

The young Avatar, prepared to go all glowy, and perhaps take away Pakku's waterbending, showed up to confront the man.

"I thought you said I shouldn't marry Katara because she's going to grow up to be ugly and saggy!"

"Well, it's true," Pakku said.

"Well, why would that be a problem for me and not for you?"

"Simple, because I'll be dead by the time that happens."

Aang had to admit that Pakku had a point. He shut up and went away to the reception hall, where he did his best to be angsty and frowny.

"What's got you so angsty and frowny, Avatar?" a familiar voice asked.

"Katara's getting married."

"Well, I don't see why that's got you so upset. That always happens in this fanfic."

"Yeah, but when is it going to be my turn? I mean, you got her last time! That makes no sense! When is it going to be my turn?"

"Never. Haven't you read the Author's Notes?"

"No."

"Ah. That would be your problem. Why'd she get away from you this time?"

"Pakku tricked me. He pointed out that she's probably going to grow up to look like her Gran-Gran, and then I couldn't get the image of saggy boobs out of my brain."

"Hmm. Quite a problem. Did you know, last time anyone saw her, my mother was still smoking hot? I mean, seriously, we're talking MILF. And my father, before you took him down, he was something to look at."

Aang looked at her funny.

"And even my brother! I mean, he's got that hideous scar, and still he's got fangirls by the hundreds. I come from a very attractive group of people… well, except my uncle, but no one can figure him out anyway… I guess you could call us a FILF.."

"Father I'd like to…?"

"No. Family."

"Ah."

"Yes, well, the point is, I'm going to be a very hot old lady, and it's not just because I'm the best firebender in the world."

"Did you just use a bending related pick-up line?" Aang asked.

"Maybe…"

"But, according to Sokka's Patented Playerbending Rules (Pat. Pending), that NEVER works."

"Screw the rules, I've got money."

"I think that meme's from another show."

"Alright then, screw the rules, I'm hot."

Aang thought for a second. He had to admit that she was right. "Why are you doing this?"

"Oh, it's simple, I see you here, all angsty and frowny, and I think to myself, I can change him. I can take this poor, scared little mama's boy, and turn him into the most badass prince charming ever. It's not like I have some sinister ulterior purpose to use my marriage to you to grow close to all the world leaders and then take over the whole world through diplomacy and seduction."

"I instantly believe you," Aang said. After all, she was really hot. "But, that wraps everything up except Zuko."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Katara's paired off, Sokka has Suki, I'm here with you, what about Zuko?"

"Oh, yes. Well, we could assassinate him. You know, for the lulz."

"No. Zuko is my friend."

"Well then, we'll just have to let him end up with Mai. That should be punishment enough."

**Author's Notes: **The crack continues. I don't know. What do you all think of this one? I'd love your reviews. Was this the one that finally went too far?


End file.
